Fragile Creativity – a musing

I need not emphasise to any artist how fragile creativity can be.

It is like trying to squeeze fizzing lightning into a jar. To translate the thoughts and inspirations into something which others can enjoy, that is the key. Yet sometimes that breaks down, becomes impossible. I wrote prose for the first time today since the 27th of November, and it felt good. Slow, halting, but so, so very good. Cathartic.

Onto the serious stuff: there is finally an answer for my various and widespread health issues. A condition known as Fibromyalgia. We’re just waiting on the Vitamin D deficiency tests to come back, but even if they show a deficiency it would not explain many of the symptoms I’m having. The constant pain and tiredness have been long documented, both on this blog and on my previous one.

It has been an incredibly long and difficult journey to find this answer, although now we begin treatment. I am scared and nervous, although it has been 6 years since the pain first began, and so I’m open to options, willing to try things. I fear for my creativity. Crisis is the fount of creativity, and I wonder how my ability or desire to write may be altered as a result.

I began taking Fluoxetine (Prozac) and Tramadol yesterday. Of course it will be about a month before the anti-depressant really starts to work, but already the Tramadol (taking about 5/6 a day so far) makes a difference to my pain and energy levels.

I am going to be making a serious effort to keep writing, even if it is not necessarily prose. Poetry will be good, and I’ll have to keep telling myself not to judge what I’ve written too much, to just express without internal criticism.

However long the journey has been to reach a diagnosis (so close, so very close) the road ahead is going to be difficult, too. I don’t know what will happen however, I’m glad to have reached this point at last. By experience I am a dark personality, using my writing to serve as catharsis, and many things over the course of my life have been explained by this condition.

Anyway! I thank you all for reading this and for the support and likes that I’ve received ever since I started blogging. You’re all wonderful and I appreciate every single one of you.



Unexpected Inspiration – a musing

True to my word, here I am, making an effort to post in a more regular fashion.

Weekly is regular, right?

right?? XD

The working week is endured and bookended by the weekend. I deal with the various joint pains as I attend work and write in the evenings when I’m well enough to do so. The novel continues as I weave the current part, number 8, with the poem, The Chairmaker’s Soul. Novel reflects poem and poem reflects prose.

Today I wrote 2450 words that detail most of the poem content as a part of Diablo Ex Machina, part 8, Definition of a Deity. At its heart lies the concept of what we consider to be a god. Is immortality the same as divinity? Not necessarily. It is a concept that I have been tackling throughout the story, and draws on a lot of inspirations. For instance, unkillable does not mean unbeatable. I think that quote is from Berserk, a manga series by Kentaro Miura.

What is truly original?

Writing is the synergy of ideas which the writer is inspired by, their understanding of it woven into a new tapestry. That which they see in a film may be threaded with a concept they read in a book, a poem, behold in the world around them.

As the sunlight fades to darkness (quote from The Nosleep Podcast, David Cummings) I find myself drawing inspiration from an odd novel in my collection. The Crimson Petal and the White, by Michael Faber. I read the sequel first, The Apple, a slim volume in comparison to its predecessor which stands at roughly 700 pages. It is a tale concerning a prostitute called ‘Sugar’ in late 19th century England.

If I say that it is like a fusion of Dickens, Woolf and modernism then I think that is a faithful description. So Diablo Ex Machina takes a turn that I was unprepared for. Woven into the framework of immortals seeking absolution as they go about murdering one another is that immorality is not all it seems to be.

Do not judge, for judgements of the obvious are not always warranted.

Peace y’all.