I Am My Own Hero 2 – a musing

Part 2 – The Long Search Ends


From late 2010 I developed excruciating pain in my right wrist. it was so bad that I could barely think. I reached for as many painkillers as I could, every day. I had physiotherapy, used creams, did stretches, had ultrasound to loosen it, hot water bottles, ice packs, massage. All improvement was short term. The pain and stiffness was here to stay. Now the pain is far less but I lack a lot of the movement I used to have with that hand.

No conclusive cause found to explain the hand pain.

Late 2011 my left arm is numb when I wake up, shoulder extremely painful. I attend more physio, have more tests, do new stretches for the nerves, hospital visits, massage, and so on. Again, all improvement is short term and no cause is discovered.

Early 2012 I develop pain and stiffness in my neck and entire back. More tests, visits to a chiropractor, massage, more physio, new exercises which help my body overall but do nothing for the pain situation long term. No cause found.

Mid 2013 the left hand develops similar pains to the right. No cause found there either. Physiotherapy is ongoing from then until now, sporadically requested when the pain becomes too much. I experiment with everything I can. Herbal remedies, exercise, various painkillers, stretches, rest, meditation.

Late 2016 my request for part-time hours at work has led to a whole new battery of tests and a possibility arises. Fibromyalgia. I look back over my life, my entire life, and see that there was so much I didn’t pay attention to, realise how much of my daily life is effected by a myriad of symptoms. Pain, tiredness, anxiety, frequent urination, Fibro-fog (totally real, I didn’t believe it at first), terrible short term memory (my long term is excellent).

I am my own hero.

I always have been. I identified with all those others, Miles Vorkosigan, Lovecraft, Plath etc, because of the struggles and trials they had to deal with to do what they loved, what helped them to get through it. I look back and see that I have done the same. It makes me happy, and proud to be who I am. Writing has been my saviour, something to help develop myself, work towards goals, improve my knowledge. Writing is the only thing I care about in this vortex of unending pain and tiredness.

I’ve got time off until January 9th and I then return to work in 2017. I have spent this time rearranging my life, looking forward to my next steps now that I am armed with knowledge about myself and can plan with my capabilities, strengths and weaknesses known at last.

I am my own hero.

Who’s yours? What will you strive for in 2017, and your future?

Thanks for reading. =)




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